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jb_slasher - (no subject)- fractal-moonshi.livejournal.com - People Aren't That Simple! (Jake bi/cest angst)
- fractal-moonshi.livejournal.com - simple, continued
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Date: 2004-07-25 11:26 am (UTC)She sat there, unmoving, just staring at the keys in front of her. Hoping that somehow they could produce what she needed, that she wouldn't have to try herself when she was still so afraid, so worried.
The typewriter was almost taunting her, the polished letters calling out to her and then she knew that she could resist no more.
Slowly, she pressed the first key and began a new chapter in her life.
Hope you like :)
no subject
Date: 2004-07-25 11:29 am (UTC)Aw, thank you so much!
<3 <3 <3
no subject
Date: 2004-07-25 01:26 pm (UTC)It was one of those gloomy summer days, remember? Do you remember, Jake?
I opened my eyes to watch your reaction, saw you sitting in a chair, playing with your hands. I stood by silently with a plastic smile on my face. Lame question!, my brain shouted at me. The fist in my heart throbbing, calling. Say anything! You looked up to me, a nervous smile around your lips. “I love you, too”. The next thing I felt was your breath against my skin and your arms around me.
Now, months later, you’re still my pocket sun on rainy days.
omg..fluff. Hope you like it.
♥
no subject
Date: 2004-07-25 01:41 pm (UTC)*blinks*
It's perfect. And you know I love fluff.
Waiting for the Downpour
Date: 2004-07-25 02:48 pm (UTC)It was grey, cloudy and still too hot. I sat outside waiting for the rain to cool me down. I listed books I had read, songs I had heard, trying to concentrate on anything but you.
Anything.
But you walked over with that camera in your hand, and looked at me. And asked me if you could take my picture, smiling sheepishly.
What for? I wanted to ask. But it was a stupid question, and so I nodded.
You stared off into the distance, your shepherd’s stare, the one I teased you about for days.
For three days, until you wrangled me to the ground and make me promise not to say it again, while I lay there, laughing so hard. I had earth on my lips when I got up, and probably a red face, but I laughed so hard I couldn’t seem to stop. And I still called it your shepherd’s stare, but you didn’t seem to mind anymore.
I don’t even know how you did find me. I just got into my car this morning and drove. I wanted to be somewhere where I could see the sea, yeah, but you knew where I was even if I didn’t know where I was going.
You sat down next to me and chatted about the shooting and pictures and inviting me over for dinner. You said you’d cook for me. And that you mostly made up dishes from what you could find in the kitchen. Once you had ended up with pasta in oil and eggs and ham, and it were much better than you had thought when you had just thrown it all into a pan. I told you that it sounded nice, actually, a proper cowboy’s meal. You laughed but I don’t think you believed me. I saw the question before you asked it, and I was tempted to answer before you finished your sentence.
But you sat so close and when the first word left your mouth I leaned over and kissed you. It was different from what we did in Calgary. You tasted different, and you didn’t smell the same. And it was soft, because I needed you to know.
And you took it as a yes, and told me dinner’s at 8.
Re: Waiting for the Downpour
Date: 2004-07-25 04:40 pm (UTC)Just one roll left. But it was the end, right? There are no more Westerns, darling, all the cows have died of boredom in the prairies...
I stepped outside the selfmade darkroom, thinking about today’s dinner. A cowboy’s meal, you said. But I wanted more for you. Something special, a surprise. Just for you, Jack. I looked into the fridge and started cooking.
I opened the door to inhale the fresh air of the evening and you stood there, waiting. How long? I asked. Just a few minutes, you said. Later you told me you forgot the time.
Re: Waiting for the Downpour
Date: 2004-07-25 05:59 pm (UTC)No, not long, just a few minutes, really, I said, and it didn’t feel like a lie.
You seemed relieved, as if you didn’t know what made you open the door. As if you couldn’t remember if it was the doorbell, or me, or something else entirely.
I stared down at my empty hands; I had forgotten to buy a bottle of wine or something else. I didn’t know what to get you, but I didn’t admit it to you.
I wished I had thought of bringing my jacket. Just to have something in my hands, and not because the short walk from my car to your door had left me dripping.
When you caught me staring, you took my right hand into yours and pulled me into the next room.
Re: Waiting for the Downpour
Date: 2004-07-26 04:50 pm (UTC)I left the room to get our dinner and heard you digging out some records. Then the music started to play.
You told me you liked the dinner and you liked the wine. Angoves Bear crossing, 2ooo. We laughed about the name and I told you the story of me holding a koala in my arms when I was 15. He had looked at me, and he had felt soft and warm. As you?
I just wanted to pretend that everything is normal, but nothing is. It’s different from all the evenings we spent. Maybe it was the air, maybe the sounds outside signalized an upcoming storm.
The energy in the air manifested itself as you looked at me.
Re: Waiting for the Downpour
Date: 2004-08-01 04:50 pm (UTC)Maybe this could be the happy ending Jack wanted. The happy ending I wanted.
But you let go of me. I could hear you moving in the back of the room, sitting down. I took the chair across from you, wondering what had just happened and if I maybe had dreamt it.
I looked at the floor, the table, your shoes but not your face. Only when you spoke I looked up. You had your eyes closed tightly, your hands were closed to fists.
“I love you, Jake,” you said.
“I love you. God, I love you, what do you say?”
And I smiled, because I knew the answer to that.
_______________________________________________
oops! (tries posting that again)
Date: 2004-07-25 05:32 pm (UTC)Cowboy Jake
"I don't know. I don't know what I mean..."
He shifts gently, bringing his knees up into his chest, tipping the cellphone into the little pocket created between his ear and the pillow. Silence rules the miles between them, and he knows she is smoking a cigarette, waiting for him to go on, or not.
"I mean it's almost like a nightmarish... something. At times... out here. Lonely. You know what I mean?"
"As usual, I have little to no idea what you're talking about. It's reassuring."
"Oh, fuck you." He can feel his voice rumbling and cracking deep in his throat as he smiles. He hopes he's not getting sick. Maybe it's just the way he's lying. "I think I'm getting sick," he says.
"Oh, little brother. You are such a hypochondriac."
He doesn't know. Maybe. Or maybe it's something to do with the light here, the way it picks things out, the lines and hollows of a face, or the long shadow cast by a building or a tree. Everything is too sharp, too clear. Stepping out of his trailer in the morning, he feels like a tiny speck, a squiggling city thing that doesn't belong here. He averts his eyes from the mirror when he brushes his teeth.
"So, do you feel like a cowboy yet?" he'd asked Heath, skulking in the shade of the refreshment tent. Heath wiped his mouth on his fist and handed the water-bottle to Jake. It was almost noon, and the sky seemed wider and bluer and emptier than it ought to be. The hairs on Heath's arms showed up gold where he sat, half in and half out of shadow.
"Who knows?" Heath shrugged. "How do you know what a cowboy feels like?"
"I dunno." He traced the plastic thread of the bottle-neck with his forefinger, round and round. He squinted out at the sun and grinned. "I guess you could ask another cowboy?"
***
"Hey, Jake? Jake, you still there? C'mon, this conversation's kind of died a death. Talk to me!"
"Still here. Just, uh, thinking. Sorry."
"Okay. Well. I'm gonna go now."
"Sure, okay."
"Call me when your thoughts have translated into words, right? Love and whatever."
"Likewise."
The phone falls off the pillow and hits the floor with a 'thunk'. He hugs his knees and breathes into the cotton sheets until they're warm and damp. When he sleeps, finally, he dreams of days alone in the wilderness, and of someone to come home to, maybe.
Re: oops! (tries posting that again)
Date: 2004-07-25 05:48 pm (UTC)it is so beautiful and sad. And certainly I hadn't expected anything like this when I put up the meme.
I really loved this. Thank you so much.
Re: oops! (tries posting that again)
Date: 2004-07-26 12:04 am (UTC)Re: oops! (tries posting that again)
Date: 2004-07-26 05:08 am (UTC)<3 Thanks. Really.
no subject
Date: 2004-07-26 10:28 am (UTC)Stop the Skies from Raining Down
Heath isn't the reason Kirsten dumped Jake. Jake has been to one awards gala with Heath - one - and nothing happened then. Jake is pretty sure it's got something to do with his sexuality. Kirsten is not a homophobe but it seems she rather wants to go out with someone of whom she doesn't have to be afraid will suddenly dump her, for a guy. Jake thinks it might be the movie, or something as silly as Kirsten thinking that Jake will suddenly hook up with Heath. Jake wouldn't be surprised to find that Kirsten dumped him pre-emptively. But what Jake finds a bit unnerving is that Kirsten might actually be right. Jake has already fallen for Heath, he's just not sure how deep.
---
Jake's teasing him. Jake's trying to get Heath to do the peace sign, daring him, and Heath is refusing, because if he gives in, Jake's won. Though there's really not even a competition between them, just a bit of playful sportmanship. Of what, hell, if Heath knows. "Oh, come on, Heeeeeeath!" And it's the way Jake begs with Heath's name on his lips that makes Heath give in. "Oh, alright." And the camera flashes and this is a memory of one of the things Heath does for Jake. Jake grins at Heath and with laughter echoing in his voice, he says: "You're so easy!" Heath rolls his eyes and grins at Jake. "You begged." And if this were a competition, Heath would have won.
---
"He's a fucking angel! You don't even get to say his goddamn name!" In case Jake hears someone talking shit about Heath. Jake prepares this statement, even if he's not sure he should. Jake's nervous so he's thinking silly stuff like that. Why he's nervous is because they're about to shoot the kiss and maybe some of the intimate stuff. Jake is a bit disappointed in Ang's attitude toward the sex scene but it's not enough to annoy him: it's Ang's movie, he can do whatever he wants, but Jake thinks he's missing the point. Jake is excited when it comes to the intimate stuff, of course, but he's nervous because of Heath. He's gotten to know and like Heath, and he's worried Heath will notice Jake's little crush.
---
Hell, he can't believe he just said "Jake's cute" on Leno. Oh well, it would've slipped out eventually anyway and in this world, Heath can get away with it, unlike Jack in the story. Every time Heath thinks about how Jake ends up in the movie, it sorta breaks his heart. How it'd break Ennis's heart. Jack and Ennis's story ended before it had even really begun. It was a meeting there, another here, and then suddenly, Jack was dead and Ennis.. Ennis had found out about the tire iron. That's not the ending Heath wants. He wants Jake to live through, wants to actually.. and it dawns on him. They're shooting the final scene and Ennis's supposed to be thinking about Jack and it all fits. Jack and Ennis, Jake and him. Like a fucking epiphany.
---
Of course it eventually leads to this. "Cowboys, baby, we're cowboys!" Jake bounces on the bed and lets out a real cowboy "yee-haw!", grinning like mad. Heath grins as well and grabs Jake's shoulders, kisses him and smiling, he whispers though there's no need for it: "Cowboys, baby, cowboys."
no subject
Date: 2004-07-26 10:48 am (UTC)Oh.
Honey, you said you'd write me a drabble.
Wow. this is... I can't really put into words how grateful I am for this. I love so many little pieces of it, I can't count them all.
I loved the last sentence of the first paragraph: Jake has already fallen for Heath, he's just not sure how deep. God, what a way to start a story. It wraps up the first paragraph perfectly, and gives room for so much more...
"You're so easy!" Heath rolls his eyes and grins at Jake. "You begged." And if this were a competition, Heath would have won. God, I love this. LOVE LOVE LOVE, baby! Because I can see it, and I love that you managed to squeeze in a reference to your So.Easy. icon. <3 How much do I love you? A whole lot. :D
I love nervous!Jake worrying that Heath might figure it out.
And I love that Heath eventually does, in the next paragraph: Every time Heath thinks about how Jake ends up in the movie, it sorta breaks his heart. How it'd break Ennis's heart. followed by the revelation. Oh, boy.
I love the ending.
I love you. This was perfect. It's so sweet and warm and I want to read it over and over again. <3 <3 <3
Cowboys, baby. Cowboys!
no subject
Date: 2004-07-27 03:17 am (UTC)I'm glad you like it. Hee.
I love that you managed to squeeze in a reference to your So.Easy. icon.
I had to. Because these two Icons are related. Yes.
How weird am I?*g*It was a pleasure to write it - though
I think "Cowboys, baby. Cowboys!" would be the slogan of our love if it already weren't theirs. *g*
People Aren't That Simple! (Jake bi/cest angst)
Date: 2004-07-27 01:11 am (UTC)Jake Gyllenhaal 'terrified' about his upcoming gay love scenes
http://www.femalefirst.co.uk/celebrity/jake-gyllenhaal-gay.php
'Well you're not gay - and neither is he. So there's quite a lot of acting required. Why don't you go for it?' (Kirsten to Jake on BM script)
Celebrity Wonder: Kirsten Dunst Profile and Gossips
http://www.celebritywonder.com/html/kirstendunst.html
"She [Kirsten] and Heath Ledger have been spotted splashing out on perfume in a Beverly Hills department store in July 1st, 2002. The pair walked into Saks Fifth Avenue hand in hand before perusing the expensive scents on display. "
***
Sitting on a log at the edge of the set during a break in the shooting, Jake drew circles and lines in the sandy loam with a stick.
Nodes and links, the voice of some long-forgotten teaching assistant prompted, unbidden. The class, taken towards his math requirement, had been torture. But the TA had been hot.
Him and Kirsten and Maggie and Heath. Why the hell did he always have to make the simple things complicated?
The problem wasn't that he thought with his dick. That really would make things a lot simpler. Heath had boastfully confessed to him, early in rehearsals, that thinking with his dick was what always got him into trouble on a shoot. If he wanted to roger Miss 2002 Tasmanian Starfruit, he just propositioned her. The worst that could happen was, she'd slap his face. More often, he made a friend with benefits for the duration of filming. If she made the mistake of thinking there was going to be anything more to it than that, well, that wasn't his fault.
Jake's problem was that he thought with his heart, a much less suitable organ to press into service when the brain failed.
He had not known that it was possible to be dropped quite so hard, from a place so high, so quickly as Kirsten had dropped him. He should have known, at least, to keep his big mouth shut when talking to all the nice people from the magazines who wanted every detail about the cooing lovebirds. He should have noticed that he was cooing for two, while she was smiling tensely and changing the subject.
'Well you're not gay - and neither is he. So there's quite a lot of acting required. Why don't you go for it?' she'd said when he'd shown her the script. He'd thought there had been something brittle in her voice, but he'd assumed she was picking up on his tension. Or had he even thought about it at all? How long had he been oblivious to whatever it was she'd been trying to tell him?
Had she ever told him that she'd dated Heath before they met? He thought he would have remembered something like that. But he was completely surprised when Heath told him. "Not exactly dating," Heath had backpedalled. "We went to the mall a couple of times together."
"Yes," she'd told him over the phone, when he'd asked her about it, feeling like a schmuck for bringing it up. "We tried on perfume. At Saks. In Beverly Hills." Something in her voice told him not to press further.
(continued)
simple, continued
Date: 2004-07-27 01:13 am (UTC)As far as he could tell, Heath didn't wear any on the set. Not even aftershave. And their roles brought him close enough to tell on a regular basis.
He wondered what it would be like to rest his head on Heath's shoulder, and press his nose against Heath's neck. He already knew what he'd smell: shaving cream, the soap from the motel, the sweat of a man. But having done it for the script just frustrated him. He wanted to know what it would feel like to put his head on Heath's shoulder, not Jack's head on Ennis' shoulder.
For Kirsten's 21st birthday, he'd taken her to the bar at the Standard in West Hollywood. He'd never been there, but he knew Maggie liked it.
"He's flirting with you!" she'd laughed, tipsy, after a chatty waiter had refreshed their drinks. "I can tell. I've got perfect gaydar in the rear view mirror. Every single guy I went out with in high school turned out to be gay. And I never had a clue until after we'd broken up!"
That night, he'd tried to fuck her, but he'd had too much to drink. After some futile friction, he'd gone down on her instead. She was already nearly asleep by the time he came back up. He rested his head on her shoulder, pressing his nose against her neck. He closed his eyes, inhaling her scent, and kissed her just beneath the jaw as he drifted off to sleep.
Only to wake up with a jolt an instant later. "Holy fuck!" he said, sitting up, still half dreaming, the real twisted around the subconscious. Jesus Christ, I've got Maggie's hair in my teeth.
Kirsten muttered in her sleep. He turned to look at her. Kirsten. Not Maggie. He took a deep breath, and realized that he'd finally gotten hard.
He'd crept to the bathroom to jack off. Tried to think of Kirsten. Kept thinking of Maggie instead. Finally let the images flow without trying to control them, and brought himself off imagining how the waiter's lips and tongue would feel, sliding on his cock.
It was the oldest story in the world. He always wanted what he couldn't have.
Him and Kirsten and Maggie and Heath. He always found a way to make the simple things complicated. He wondered if he'd ever find the man or woman who could make the complicated things simple.
Re: simple, continued
Date: 2004-07-27 03:39 pm (UTC)I loved this. It was frighteningly realistic, with nice little touches and moments that seemed so real I didn't question them at all.
I love your sentences madly. He had not known that it was possible to be dropped quite so hard, from a place so high, so quickly as Kirsten had dropped him. This one is beautiful because it seems so simply, yet it is so heartbreaking.
Jake wondered what kind of perfume Heath had tried on. Hell, yeah. It's a nice flow from the girls to Heath, and Jake's feelings and wishes.
I love the part with the "gaydar". Omg, I laughed out loud. Every single guy I went out with in high school turned out to be gay. And I never had a clue until after we'd broken up!" Makes me wonder about Jake's reaction. It's good that you haven't written one down though. <3
I love the last paragraph to pieces. I do. God, I do.
Thank you so so much! I really enjoyed it, and will treasure it. It's such a great story, it flows with so much ease and I want to read it again as soon as I have finished it.
<3
Re: simple, continued
Date: 2004-07-27 11:06 pm (UTC)Thank you for providing it. I feel lucky that it triggered so much; I didn't think I'd have more than a paragraph or two to say when I started writing.
"Makes me wonder about Jake's reaction. It's good that you haven't written one down though."
I originally had written more about the conclusions he was drawing about what the problems were, at least. But I felt like they were tripping up the flow. I thought of it as, Jake is in a place where the pain of the breakup is too much for him to think straight. He can't make cause and effect connections yet. There are just these painful memories that come up, and bounce off of each other.
When I read that Kirsten had briefly (at least according to that one article) gone out with Heath, that was kind of the glue. So even before the breakup had anything to do with his mindset, Jake had a reason to be a little jealous of Heath, at the same time he was becoming uncomfortably aware of his attraction to Heath, at the same time he thought Heath was kind of a jerk.
And the thing about Kirsten saying, neither of you are gay, so you are going to have to do a lot of acting, hmmm. That sounded a little odd. She knew both men intimately. So I was thinking, what if, at the subconscious level, she already senses that she is going to have to protect herself against abandonment by Jake, the same way she could sense that it would never work with Heath. Both sweet and sensitive in their different ways. The same qualities that make them appeal to her, she knows from experience will ultimately mean that she, as a woman, can never give them everything they want in a relationship. So the thing about her high school boyfriends was supposed to link those thoughts together.
Thank you so much! I feel lucky that it came together fairly easily, and that I was able to stay up late and finish it. Both kind of rare. I'm working on one based on Joey's meme challenge, but it's taking longer to assemble.